“when good monkeys go ape-shit” continued:

St. James tried to put one of his hands down the animal’s throat, but the chimp just kept chewing on it and chewing on it, and he couldn’t get it out.

St. James fell to the ground, no longer able to defend himself, and for at least five minutes, the mauling continued as he lay helpless. One of the chimps gnawed on his buttocks and bit off his genitals. They ravaged his left foot, leaving it shredded. Blood poured from his body, and LaDonna was screaming. It looked as if they were eating him alive. Finally, LaDonna’s screams drew the owners’ son-in-law, Mark Carruthers, who came running armed with a .45-caliber revolver. After struggling to find a clean shot, he opened fire on the younger primate. The shot had no apparent effect, and Carruthers raced back to his house, a few dozen yards away, to reload with more-powerful ammunition. When Carruthers returned, he focused on the older male, the prime aggressor. Kneeling down, he shot him once in the head from close range. As the animal fell to the ground, the younger chimp began dragging St. James’s mutilated body down a hill leading away from Moe’s cage. Dirt filled St. James’s lungs and seeped into his bloody openings.

For the briefest of moments, LaDonna looked toward Moe. He was sitting in the corner of his cage, frozen, seemingly stunned.

The lone chimp continued tearing at St. James’s limp body with his teeth until Carruthers caught up to him and shot him once in the chest, ending the attack. St. James, lying facedown, felt the lifeless animal fall on his back.

http://www.esquire.com/features/chimpanzee-attack-0409

Whether by happenstance or intentionally, the April 2009 issue of Esquire magazine will feature an article about St. James Davis, his wife LaDonna, and their pet chimpanzee Moe, who lived with the couple in their home for 30 years before being confined to an animal sanctuary pursuant to a court order.

The Davises in more recent times.In March 2005, Mr. Davis was savagely attacked by two male chimpanzees while visiting Moe at the animal sanctuary. Mr. Davis barely survived the attack and his wife lost a finger.

This week, the Davises were interviewed by national news media after a similarly horrific incident on Monday in which a Connecticut woman, Charla Nash, was brutally attacked by her friend’s 200-pound pet chimpanzee. (Ms. Nash remains in critical condition.)

Had Esquire planned to write about the Davis story all along, or was the article in response to Monday’s terrible events?

Entitled, “The Worst Story I Ever Heard,” the article describes–in compelling detail–how the childless Davises raised Moe like he was their son.

Moe walked down the aisle at the couple’s June 1970 nuptials, holding hands with a little flower girl. He went everywhere with the Davises and had an endearing habit of crossing his arms and tapping his shoulder to signal that he wanted a hug. The chimp slept in their bed and knew how to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

The article discusses the bond between the Davises and Moe, and the couple’s heartbreak at having Moe taken away from them. But it also describes how Mr. Davis got the young chimp on a whim and brought it to Los Angeles from Africa without much thought to the creature’s future.

As Moe grew, Mr. Davis and his wife tried to give their chimpanzee to various zoos, but none would take the chimp. (Chimpanzees raised by humans without the benefit of being around other chimps fail to learn chimp etiquette and behave abnormally. At a zoo, they would have trouble fitting in with established groups, so many zoos do not take them.)

The story includes a graphic description of the chimpanzee attack on Mr. Davis. (One can’t help but wonder–with a shudder–if it approximates what Ms. Nash might have endured.)

As St. James [Mr. Davis] confronted the chimp, the six-two former running back turned to find a second chimp — also a male, this one older and bigger — bearing down on him as well. With both hands, he pushed the bigger animal. Both chimps pounced.

One of the animals grabbed him in a bear hug before chomping into the bone above his right eyebrow. He then stuck his finger in St. James’s right eye, gouging it out. The same animal clamped his teeth onto St. James’s nose, biting it off, as the other chimp chewed away at St. James’s fingers.

In the melee, one of the chimps dug in his claws and ripped the skin off the right side of St. James’s face, causing it to flop over and cover his left eye, temporarily blinding him. One of the primates sunk his teeth into St. James’s skull. He then closed his jaws on St. James’s mouth, ripping off his lips and most of his teeth.

–Rich Schapiro, writing for Esquire in an article entitled, “The Worst Story I Ever Heard”

South Park still banned!

Meanwhile, world mourns passing of beloved ex-ELO bassist Kelly Groucutt.

In other news, Amnesty International condemns both Israel and Hamas, plague on both your houses style. Gaza Palestinians still wind up on short end of stick, apply for critically endangered species status. U.N. body replies “bowels no move”. Enema at eleven.

Today was a bad hair day for me. Some shmak discovered that App Store is a place where you pay little for useless things. I always said that customers are not good enough for our products. You friggin idiots. If you spend money in my little App Store, then use the damn software on your ay-phones.

Also, my inside contact at google is becoming money hungry. Future updates of Google Maps on ay-phone are going to suck. Don’t write me if you end up at a Moby Dick sale while searching for Starbucks or if you find yourself next to a burning container.