Posted by Dan Lyons on Oct 18, 2008 in Tech | 11 comments
My latest Newsweek column, now up online here.
Why doesn’t newsweek have an rss feed for just your articles?
1.)Jerry needs to shave his head, eat twelve dozen oysters, obtain eight gross of Cialis, hit the Nevada brothel-opolis for twenty eight days, eat steak, drink red wine, eat real sushi, play tons of Rage Against The Machine the entire time, always sport a hard-on when he returns to Sunnyvale.
2.)Start firing people indiscriminately, imme3diately, personally, in their face, cut away all chaff, from management, from geek departments, the holiday is over, time to be a real grown-up company. Apple Corps no more!
3.)Jerry’s one job is to maximize shareholder value. Find the one thing Yahoo! does right and focus on that. Sell off everything else. Hire one guy to actually run the show and develop new products and services while Jerry becomes public face of company.
4.)After two years of turnaround, fire the board of directors. I mean have a new board installed that’s Jerry friendly and hands off. Publicly ream every member of Yahoo! board, I mean burn them before the shareholders eyes.
5.)Hate the media. Don’t talk unless you have something to say. DON’T TALK UNLESS YOU HAVE S O M E T H I N G TO SAY!!!! Cultivate them. Develop fake love/hate relationship. Give access to one tech media nerd on major newspaper/media outlet to make him/her feel special, but always screw him/her over whenever you can, but do it in a way to make him/her come back begging for more.
6.)Never reveal your plan to anybody. Run a tight ship. If anyone talks, don’t fire ‘em, terminate with extreme prejudice. Kill their relatives. Drive point home to every employee. This is total war.
7.)The enemy is not Microsoft or Google. The enemy is complacency! Forget about the other guy. They don’t exist. They’re nothing. Capiche?
How does a search engine become a company?
Perhaps Yahoo’s loss of the MSFT merger is “boneheaded” if the goal was to rip off MSFT. The cultures of the two companies were so incompatible as to be oil and water. I’m guessing the Yahoo brain trust would have fled long before the ink was dry. MSFT would have ended up with a $43 billion empty shell.
Ballmer has such a hard-on to get Google, he was willing to bet the company on the Yahoo merger. He would have lost. And Steve Jobs would be laughing his ass off.
might be wrong here, but I bet his still being in charge has something to do with him co-founding the company
kinda’ like that apple guy you love so much
1.)Explanation of Apple Corps reference for the younger readers and unenlightened oldsters. No more money bleeding out every pore of the company.
2.)If Yang continues being a Wang, I’m going for it. If Icahn butts in, interferes, tries to dictate anything, he’s a dead man. DEAD! MURDER! BLOOD! UNNERSTAN’? I’ll turn his stooges on the board into hamburger and bone meal and serve it to an orca and a razorback swine. I’ll remove Icahn’s own dyspeptic liver and force him to eat it, after frying it in a pan of his own wee-wee, and a little olive oil, for taste.
3.)Can one run Yahoo! from a secret underground mountain fortress on the South Island of New Zealand?
Yahoo! is doomed.
Cool. Do GM and Rick Wagoner next.
What happened to this blog?
RIP Fake Steve.
@ Mike Contaxis
Whatever happened to acap.? Partners In Grime?
I liked how a commentor on Newsweek said you were a Microsoft shill. Guess he’s never heard of Fake Steve.
Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *
You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>