July 31st, 2008 // 33 Comments
Filed: Personal
No kidding. I’m working at home today and the home phone just rang and it was Tay Zonday, the Chocolate Rain guy, whose voice totally sounds exactly like it does on that video. He goes, “This is Tay Zonday. You think I’m a one-hit wonder with some kind of gland problem, and I think you’re a demented hack who needs to get his nuts cut out. Could you spare a few minutes to talk to me?” Tay went on to say that he was a big fan of Fake Steve and wanted to offer some advice about how to manage my career, but he would only do it off the record. I said fine, what the hell. Now I can’t tell you what Tay said but I can tell you that nothing I heard on this call in any way contradicted the advice given to me by others who have said that since Steve insists he isn’t sick that I should just go back to kicking him in the nuts satirizing him. Also, a person with intimate knowledge of Tay Zonday’s career has pointed out to me that Tay’s advice could be invaluable since Tay has managed to get on Carson Daly, Jon Stewart and Jimmy Kimmel, and he’s also done an ad for Dr. Pepper. Also, I’ve been advised by a source who’s very familiar with Tay Zonday that if and when I do get onto any radio or television shows, I should move away from the mic to breathe.
Tagged: Career advice
I always wondered what happened to Urkel …
Dan
Let it go already….by the time you got to the Jerry Yang “phone call” it was already dead. When is Fake Steve coming back?…he’s desperately needed.
Yeah, I can’t even say it’s worth it to come here once a day anymore. If you want, give me your fake phone number and I’ll give you a fake call and we chat. Oops, it’s my fake phone ringing now…
When will Presidential candidates start calling? Maybe start with Bob Barr and work your way up?
Dan,
You’re my favorite blog writer. I add ATLEAST 5 hits to your blog a day while i’m sitting bored at work trying to get something good to read. But you’re fake phone calls are getting stupid man. We get the fact that as a journalist, you’re outraged by the crap that Apple’s been pulling lately, but don’t let your awesome work deteriorate just because you’re peeved by their arrogance and stupidity. You’re too good a writer to keep going back to this crap man.
nothing but love for ya man.
Dan,
It’s unfortunate, because I loved the Fake Steve Blog so very, very much; but you might have jumped the shark.
Hi, this is Cochrane. You think I’m an unimportant bitch who leaves comments on blogs to make himself feel worthy, and I think you are a wanna-be writer who overuses the same joke over and over again. I want to talk with you about whether this is still funny, but only strictly off the record, okay?
Dear Dan
I know what you’re going through. I know what it’s like to be famous for playing somebody else. To be loved around the world for your crazy antics, but deep down in your heart knowing it’s an act. Knowing that the froth on the surface masks sadness and sensitivities within.
OK, I was getting over $1 dollars per episode falling over as Kosmo Kramer, and you couldn’t even get people to click your AdSense ads. But still, I can compare. In many ways, all that money means I feel your pain harder.
And I’m here to tell you that the most important thing in the world is to be at peace with yourself. Maybe the real you is a serious kind of guy, maybe the real you likes to repeat the same joke over and over again. That’s OK — accept yourself, it’s the first step to being accepted.
When I left Seinfeld (which was, by the way, totally my own decision), people didn’t want the real me. They wanted the lanky clown. They wanted the hipster doofus. They wanted a coffee table book about coffee tables.
So Dan, don’t listen to the critics. Don’t let them snipe at you. Close your ears to the naysayers and snipers. What have they ever done? Nothing. But what have you done? You set up a blog on Blogspot that they used to read. You rock. I envy you.
And so what if the chocolate rain guy got on Carson Daly? I got on David Letterman just last year — how’s that for career longevity. And remember, 40 years ago…
Look, just take it easy, OK?
Your friend
Michael Richards
I too check in w/ Real Dan ~half-dozen times a day and am perfectly fine w/ the fake phone calls. Boom.
good one! The whiners need to STFU, its still funny!
I still get a high by these fake phone calls.
I specifically loved that ‘couphing’ bit in Phil’s call.
And, reading between the lines, I deduce that FAKE STEVE IS RETURNING!!!!
Rejoice, scum and filth, DEAR LEADER is coming back among us!!!
$1 dollars per episode!? Wow. Don’t spend it all in one place …
Dan Lyons called me……
Look loser, I meant $1 million dollars. Don’t make me angry.
It was really more like $5 million but they didn’t want us to tell anybody because the pretty boys at Friends would have got pissed off. They were on peanuts compared to us. No word of a lie.
Zonday? I hooked up all my Macs together, in a joint effort to figure out the anagram behind the name. At the same time, I am running CHKDSK on my Windows machine. It is that time of the month.
You got nothin’ to write about dude? I don’t believe Newsweek lets you work from home right off the bat. You gotta prove yourself with a major scoop. Of icecream, if it has to be.
yeah, this shit sucks. get over it.
Hi, this is Cochrane. You think I’m an unimportant bitch who leaves comments on blogs to make himself feel worthy, and I think you are a wanna-be writer who overuses the same joke over and over again. I want to talk with you about whether this is still funny, but only strictly off the record, okay?
Point. Set. Match.
Rob, I called. He doesn’t want to post our little “non-discuss” conversation.
- Barry
Whiners: Go away. Don’t come back. Most important: don’t whine and KEEP coming back. That’s just dumb.
Actually, this is the first phone call that got me to laugh out loud. Cheers Dan.
SamG Duo2: “You gotta prove yourself with a major scoop. Of icecream, if it has to be.”
Here’s a totally cool and hilarious scoop for you.
freshness factor five thousand (Keyword to: http://freshnessfactorfivethousand.blogspot.com/)
Namaste, iHonor the place where the rantings of a humorous soul collide with Good Humor.
fucking whiners… *shakes head*
I think the reason you’re getting all these “calls” is that you still can’t believe Real Steve Jobs completely outdid Fake Steve in one stroke. Your imaginary CEO who said what he actually meant could have gone on for years without ever coming up with a hello like that.
What’s IBM up to these days Dan? A sharp, witty guy like you could make mincemeat out of those lawyered-up tards in Armonk. Or are ya chicken?
Quit harshing the vibe people. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. And honestly, if you want to know what jumping the shark is like, buy yourself a FortiManager.
Jesus, what a bunch of whiners. Waaaaaa I’m not being entertained. Waaaaaa!
Actually, this is the first phone call that got me to laugh out loud. Cheers Dan
منتديات هيمة القلوب
OMG! I’m so glad I found this site! I miss you giving those Linux Losers hell on Forbes. Showing that the commie crap isn’t worthy of a place in capitalism.
Dan, you are the most awesomest jjournalisst eever!
i nominate Chocolate rain as the #1 most likely song to get stuck in a person’s head
Wow, sounds wicked lol
Thanks mate.
/ar/
tnk
thanks sir
Reminds me of “WHO WAS PHONE” story xD
/b/