Just picked up the phone here at the DanCave and it was Michael Dell. He goes, “This is Michael Dell. You think I’m the uninspiring leader of a has-been PC company that’s never created a single original product in its entire 24-year-history, and I think you’re a pus-filled fistula on the ass-crack of humanity. Got a minute to catch up?” Michael Dell went on to tell me that he has lost a great deal of weight lately and he was wondering if anyone had started any rumors about it and if so maybe I would like him to address those rumors in an entirely off-the-record conversation. I told him thanks but no thanks, because as far as I know nobody is wondering about his weight loss. He’s like, Really? Because it’s kind of a lot of weight. I mean it’s pretty significant. I could tell you how it happened but we’d have to be off the record. I said, You know, Michael, I appreciate the offer, but it’s okay, really. He goes, So you’re not going to write about it? You’re not going to be speculating on what happened to me and why I look so gaunt? Because what happened is, I cut out a lot of carbs and I got a Bowflex. And I’m just hearing that people around the company here have been talking about how much I’ve changed and there’s been some speculation that maybe I’m sick when in fact I’m totally in the best shape of my life and have a lower body-fat percentage than when I was in high school. I’m wearing 32-inch waist jeans, and they’re loose! It’s amazing! So I said, Well, why don’t you put out a statement to the employees letting them know that? He goes, Oh, I don’t know, man, I don’t think I could do that, because it’s so private, you know? And I totally resent that people keep wondering about it because it’s like a really private matter and I’m really a totally private person who hates the idea of being in the public eye, which is why I started a big personal computer company and sold shares to the public and remained its chief executive even as its sales grew into the billions of dollars. See? That’s why I’d much rather leak this information off the record to you and then have you write something so that everyone will stop speculating about it but I won’t have to actually say anything in public about it and violate my own rules about privacy. I said, again, that I’d probably take a pass on this one because as far as I know nobody was even wondering about his health.
He goes, Well how about our new MP3 player then? We non-announced that product off the record to the Journal the other day but I could non-discuss it with you off the record too and maybe give you something we didn’t give them, like the name of the product or maybe just a few hints that would enable you to make an educated guess about the name, just as long as you agree to sign an NDA and abide by a very strict set of rules, chief among them being that you’ll promise to write down everything we say and use it in a story but not breathe a word about where you got your information. I said, You know, I think I’ll pass on that one too, honestly, nothing personal but I just don’t think anyone really cares about whether you guys make another MP3 player. He goes, Okay then, fuckwad, well don’t call me up all crying and whining when I give this exclusive non-interview to Nocera instead and he totally scoops you with the non-name of the non-product that we’ve non-announced. You got me, punk?
I said, Loud and clear, Michael Dell. Congrats on the low body fat. And good luck with that non-announced MP3 player. I’m sure it’s going to non-rock. Seriously. I mean it.
Dude, the Steve Jobs opener thing is getting really, really old. Can we just move on?
Dude,
The whole “this guy called me up, insulted me and now wants to chat bit” is getting really, really old. Mix it up, ok?
Please, please knock it off with the fake phone call opening. I’ve started scrolling past the first graf of every post.
Wow, I’m just realising how much I miss the real fake steve jobs…
Ummm, Dan?
Remember that guy in school who kept telling the same joke over and over again, long past the point where anyone else thought it was funny?
Just sayin’
I agree with all the above.
FakeSteve (or even real Steve?) > RealDan.
Let’s move on, buddy. Here’s to hoping you didn’t stop writing FakeSteve because you were clean out of ideas.
This is just like the Hillary Clinton butthurt readers, keep up the good work.
Humor is subjective: I laughed out loud at the opening paragraph.
RDL, you’re totally doing it to mess with the commentards, right? Right?!?
If so, please keep it up.
THAT is enjoyable.
Totally reminds me of Kaufman.
“Totally reminds me of Kaufman.”
or Tom Green. Either way, comedy gold.
i still laugh at the phone call opening bit, and this entire post was the best one yet. hey commentards, who’s blog is this? oh, right, see that picture up at the top? it’s DAN LYONS. and need i remind you that it’s HIS BLOG and not A NEWS SITE or YOUR PERSONAL ENTERTAINMENT CENTER so he can post whatever the fuck he wants. unsubscribe if ya want…i’m sure he’ll miss all that non-revenue from his non-advertisers and non-sponsors.
Hee hee hee!
It should be old but I still laugh at it.
Granted that graph has little life left.
Comparing Andy Kaufmann to Tom Green is like comparing filet mignon to a corn-infested butt log …
some dudes (dudettes?) here don’t get the wordplay. Non-call. Non-rock. Get it? Wordplay never goes out of style.
How about non-visiting this blog, non-getters?
Did he really lose weight or are we talking different pic ratio?
You really borked that picture of Mike Dell.
Hey Dan? You know that horse you are beating? Yeah its dead. Really REALLY dead.
This whole “____ called. He said “This is ____. You think I’m _____ and I think you’re _____.”" thing is seriously getting old. Can’t you come up with any more jokes?
No.
Hey Dan, the jerk store just called and they’re running out of you!
Actually,these phone calls are getting funnier and funnier. Don’t stop until you’ve taken down all the CEO’s (celebrity executive officers) and their idiotic decisions.
Dan:
What would a sharp-eyed critic like say to someone who keeps milking the same old parody well past its sell-by date? As a fan of the real writer, I’m disappointed. If I were part of the Apple propagandastaffel, I’d be delighted. I’ll spare you how they could use this bad streak as a proof you…. JLG
Dan:
You think I’m just-some-jackass-with-way-too-much-time-on-his-hands-or-else-I-wouldn’t-be- commenting-on-your-silly-ass-blog, and I think you’re pretty much a rhinestone cowboy out there in a star-spangled rodeo.
Dude, I love you, but give it a fucking rest. If there’s nothing to write about, then don’t write about anything.
Some readers are still grasping on the concept of reading directly from RDL and not the FSJ persona, being repetitive maybe is not the way to go.
Whatever everybody, when it comes to RDL or FSJ, I’m easy and will read whatever he throws my way.
Dan, don’t listen to the criticism. You’re “X called me up” template is a gold, and I don’t get tired of it.
Now ‘scuse me, it’s been like 8 minutes since I did the Macarena, boy that never gets old either…
To all asstards above…
You could allways start your own blog you know.
Andy Kaufman once got on stage and started singing “100 bottles of beer on the wall.” And just kept going. People started getting restless and downright hostile. But he kept going. When he got down to three bottles (or maybe five, I don’t remember) he walked off stage. Everyone screamed and begged until he came back out and finished.
Just sayin’
Fuck me. You commentards should go and do your own blog. I’m really enjoying Dan’s work. You aren’t writing it – so if you don’t like it, well just fuck off!
Get past it, kiddies. Read deeper. Dan couldn’t, on his best day, come up with anything funnier than Dell willingly hurling itself over the cliff again with another POS music player! I mean, did any of you ever SEE their previous offering? Yeah, it’s a loaded question, hardly anyone saw it ’cause NOBODY FREAKIN’ BOUGHT ONE.
So, the news that they’re gong to mount another charge at Mount iPod is just fall-down hilarious. Hey – maybe it’ll be compatible with the Zune Store downloads! Zune Nation! Go Zunies! Wake me when it’s over.
HV
Is the “Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)” actually automatic, because “7,000 to loose their jobs at Dell.” is too ironically funny.
“So Larry Ellison calls me…” Among my favourite FSJ themes, and still funny. Those who can’t see the opening as a genre-setter rather than a joke per se don’t need to read further. How about those Dell MP3 players? What were they called again?
Is it just me, or is Fake Steve about 100,000 times funnier than Real Dan?
I seriously think that the more you commentards complain, the more Dan is going to continue his phone call shtick, just to spite you idiots.
Not that he does it purely out of spite, because I think this routine is genius. He packs so many loaded references and easter eggs within the framework that he’s limited himself to. Brilliant writing Dan.
Hey Real Dan, why don’t you write a paragraph or two about IBM’s new [-----]. The last time you tried it was over a year ago. Maybe those attorneys at corporate lost their hard on.
C’mon Dan, give it a go!
Did you really need a picture bigger than your entire article?
I bet if you wrote about “Bono calls…” all these non-readers of your blog would go away.
Why isn’t BillG calling? You must have said something
RDL,
Keep floggin’ it like a government mule! When your arm gets tired, stomp a mudhole in it’s ass…
When you lose your shoe in the mudhole, put on another one and continue stompin’ it until you think it has been stomped enough. Then, as the saying goes: “Rinse, lather, and repeat.”
For the commentard ‘haters’: You’re harshing the mellow of
the new blog…
FYI – It’s called ‘shtick’ (or ‘schtick’); have you heard of it?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shtick
Dude fcuk these commentards
You’re like totally awesome and a big rage here in India man…
Keep it up…
Dude fcuk these commentards
You’re like totally awesome and a big rage here in India man…
Really enjoyed this post…
Keep it up…
“So good he posted it twice”
Not only is this meme still funny, but dozens of commenter complaining about it every time only serves to give it legs.
Keep complaining, everybody!
Listen to all these ****tards complaining about the opening. Hey guys, there were days when Fake Steve would talk about the same thing for DAYS whether it was “Larry Ellison’s” silly ideas to cheer Fake Steve up or whatever. You loved that now. This is funny… If you no likeee, sayanora.
This crap makes your previous not-funny posts look like only partial crap. albeit still one large turd after another.
Man, hang it up. You are a one trick pony and that was FSJ. SJ is legendary and the absurd posts simply had fun of that legend via FSJ. It was creative and funny as it was absurd. God only knows what you are regurgitating now.
Nobody GAF about a hack writer and what he has to say.
You know, I was starting to think the Steve Jobs opening line bit was getting old, but now I’m just curious how long you can keep doing it….
Ugghh! We need FSJ back….this is torturous
So I get a call and it’s Dan Lyons. He’s like “you think I’m a special kind of pubic lice that only can survive on nasty scabs, and I think you’re just like every other one of my dumbshit readers who have to have the same shit explained to them over and over again because they are to dumb to think for themselves. Want to shoot the breeze?”
I’m like “Where’d you get my number.”
He’s like “I’m just calling to see if you’d be interested in hearing me talk, you know, off the record, about my counterintuitive strategy for dealing with all my stupid readers?”
I’m like “Dude, where’d you get my number?”
“‘I’m just saying that I think my fans are mostly dumb shits and I get tired of reading their comments during the boring parts of the pornography I’m almost continually watching. You can’t say that I’m experimenting with different styles and am having a little trouble finding my voice, because the people at newsweek aren’t nearly as turned on as the people at Forbes. I mean Rich Karlgaard used to always have at least three kinds of dope and two types of cocaine on him at all times. These idiots at newsweek don’t even get high. Anyways, until I can find a college kid to give me the peyote buttons I need to take until I find inspiration again, I’m just gonna keep writing crappy shit and laugh at the reactions from the comments. Like my man Nas says, ‘I do it because it offends you, it’s that simple.’”
I’m like “Dude, where’d you get my number? Wait, You listen to Nas?”
Then he’s like “I think I found a kid who can get some shrooms at this rave in a few days, so maybe I could be up to speed next week. My official non-comment is that I got a little stomach bug, and I had to take antibiotics and so every time I think to hard I also shit my pants”
I’m like “No that was Steve Jobs. Do you even know who you are anymore?”
“and so I just kinda threw whatever word vomit up on my blog. Last time I did it on FSJ no one noticed. What if I’m the real steve jobs, and real steve jobs was really fake steve jobs? I don’t know if I can keep writing this. I’m not sure who I am anymore”
So I say “I don’t think you should eat a whole bag of shrooms, Dan. Maybe you should take it a little easy. I’m going to hang up now.”
I really think this Dan Lyons might be having mental problems. I’m worried about him, guys.
Dan,
I am here to comment on how you can improve your blog. It is a matter of reviewing the various comments here, and then applying the collective wisdom to your writing. We are a smart bunch who don’t mind providing the input you need to create a terrific blog–funny, insightful, original.
One of the helpers
“If you want to make a great product, ask a bunch of fucktards what they think, and take the common denominator.” – Steve Jobs
TomK’s comment could not be placed anywhere better than following Nola.
Please continue. I nearly wet myself laughing while reading this.
Additionally the comments on how much people whinge and bitch about it are fantastic too. And just so a few more people won’t miss it, some dude above actually said steve jobs is a legend. What the fuck. The man’s a savvy businessman ripe for a bit of satire for sure, but a legend? Lay off the meth.
Micheal Dell called me and commented off the record….well.
Sources indicate, under condition of anonymity, that since he has been loosing weight Micheal Dell’s hands have gotten really big. Check the picture again, its true. Ladies must be going crazy.
Where do we… begin?
A year ago, these commenters and fanbois wouldn’t cross you. I mean, what happened?
It’s simple. Kill Real Dan.
Actually, I was worried about that mole on his upper lip. It looks malignant. Not good.
I don’t know about you guys, but I think this bit is -hilarious-. It keeps getting funnier every time I read it.
Signed,
Tony Clifton
But I really wish you still had Katie around to teach you how to use Photoshop properly.
tnk
I had been looking for such kind of a clinic that can cater to me safe and fast weight loss. Actually I am very foodie and that’s why I keep on putting weight. But now I think I can manage to lose it by the CALMWM program.