Just picked up the phone here at the DanCave and it was Michael Dell. He goes, “This is Michael Dell. You think I’m the uninspiring leader of a has-been PC company that’s never created a single original product in its entire 24-year-history, and I think you’re a pus-filled fistula on the ass-crack of humanity. Got a minute to catch up?” Michael Dell went on to tell me that he has lost a great deal of weight lately and he was wondering if anyone had started any rumors about it and if so maybe I would like him to address those rumors in an entirely off-the-record conversation. I told him thanks but no thanks, because as far as I know nobody is wondering about his weight loss. He’s like, Really? Because it’s kind of a lot of weight. I mean it’s pretty significant. I could tell you how it happened but we’d have to be off the record. I said, You know, Michael, I appreciate the offer, but it’s okay, really. He goes, So you’re not going to write about it? You’re not going to be speculating on what happened to me and why I look so gaunt? Because what happened is, I cut out a lot of carbs and I got a Bowflex. And I’m just hearing that people around the company here have been talking about how much I’ve changed and there’s been some speculation that maybe I’m sick when in fact I’m totally in the best shape of my life and have a lower body-fat percentage than when I was in high school. I’m wearing 32-inch waist jeans, and they’re loose! It’s amazing! So I said, Well, why don’t you put out a statement to the employees letting them know that? He goes, Oh, I don’t know, man, I don’t think I could do that, because it’s so private, you know? And I totally resent that people keep wondering about it because it’s like a really private matter and I’m really a totally private person who hates the idea of being in the public eye, which is why I started a big personal computer company and sold shares to the public and remained its chief executive even as its sales grew into the billions of dollars. See? That’s why I’d much rather leak this information off the record to you and then have you write something so that everyone will stop speculating about it but I won’t have to actually say anything in public about it and violate my own rules about privacy. I said, again, that I’d probably take a pass on this one because as far as I know nobody was even wondering about his health.
He goes, Well how about our new MP3 player then? We non-announced that product off the record to the Journal the other day but I could non-discuss it with you off the record too and maybe give you something we didn’t give them, like the name of the product or maybe just a few hints that would enable you to make an educated guess about the name, just as long as you agree to sign an NDA and abide by a very strict set of rules, chief among them being that you’ll promise to write down everything we say and use it in a story but not breathe a word about where you got your information. I said, You know, I think I’ll pass on that one too, honestly, nothing personal but I just don’t think anyone really cares about whether you guys make another MP3 player. He goes, Okay then, fuckwad, well don’t call me up all crying and whining when I give this exclusive non-interview to Nocera instead and he totally scoops you with the non-name of the non-product that we’ve non-announced. You got me, punk?
I said, Loud and clear, Michael Dell. Congrats on the low body fat. And good luck with that non-announced MP3 player. I’m sure it’s going to non-rock. Seriously. I mean it.