Here’s an interesting experiment. Imagine what the reaction would be if a different CEO, one who isn’t worshipped as a man-god by a small but vocal portion of the world’s population, did what Steve Jobs just did to Joe Nocera. Imagine, for example, that instead of Steve Jobs we were talking about Steve Ballmer.
Imagine Ballmer appeared in public having lost an incredible amount of weight, looking seventy years old and about one hundred and twenty pounds. Imagine that Ballmer’s flacks at first said he’d had a “common bug,” but when nobody bought that line (since it was absolutely totally ridiculous) they came back and said he’d been on the South Beach diet, or the vegan version of the Zone, and then when that didn’t fly they said that it wasn’t anyone’s business why Ballmer looked like shit, and when that didn’t work they lined up some “sources” to leak word that ooooh, yeaaaaah, you know come to think of it we just remembered that Ballmer underwent some pretty hairy surgery a while back and then developed a pretty hairy infection, and then, when the hacks still wouldn’t back off, Ballmer called a business columnist out of the blue, opened by insulting him, and then said he wanted to answer the columnist’s questions — but only off the record.
Imagine, seriously, the response if Microsoft pulled shit like this. Or any company. Imagine Jeffrey Immelt at GE doing this. Or Alan Mulally at Ford. Or Rupert Murdoch. Can you imagine any of those guys, or any of those companies, behaving in this way? Of course not.
Here’s the thing. If you want to appear in public looking like shit, and you insist on offering no explanation for the way you look, because you believe your privacy is more important than your company’s stock price, then fine. That’s a reasonable position. So do that. Stick to your principles, shut the fuck up, and let the stock do what it’s going to do. But don’t try to have it both ways. Don’t pull this crap with leaks and off-the-record conversations. Either answer the question, out loud, in public, or don’t. And don’t act like it’s people’s fault for wanting to know what’s going on with a guy who looks so awful, especially given his history.
I admire Apple. I love its products. But this is bullshit.
Ballmer would be a bad example. In hi cae the effect on the tock would be poitive. I have a broken key, gue which one.
Whoa dude, I thought you had a crush on Steve Jobs. What, he break up with you or something? Don’t worry man, there’s a lot of fish in the sea.
Dear RealDave,
The FSJ site was great, really thanks for the keen insight and biting humor.
Brilliant humor, which I miss, because this nastiness from RealDave is a RealDowner.
Namaste. I honor the place where your righteous humor returns, and helps us all avoid a RealDavesaster.
If Steve Balmer were hounded day and night about his health and a succession plan for little reason other than to manipulate the stock price and generate page hits, he may very well resort to calling a “journalist” a name. No one would blame him.
Agree. When I read about the phone call, I couldn’t believe it.
Steve Jobs has put himself and Apple in a position where they can get away with behavior most companies cannot get away with… It’s another sign of his brilliance. You’re right Ballmer could never pull it off.
Jobs is the biggest douche going. I have to laugh when I think back to them complaining about MS not being open. If he had one tenth of the market share that they did he would screw everyone of his customers over.
Oh yeah, he does, and he does.
Hey, iKeane, it’s Dan, not Dave.
Dump the stock. Or short it. Either RSJ’s health is worsening or his judgement is leaving him. Perhaps he’s making giant models of the Devil’s Tower out of mashed potatoes on a card table in his living room. Or maybe he’s just having a perverse laugh. Whatever. Lose the stock and move on. Buy oil futures if you must. Nothing lasts forever.
Sounds like someone wants a call from Steve!
Uh, “iKeane”, like Horatio said, it’s Dan. Also, the only real difference between RealDan and FakeSteve (at least later FakeSteve) is the name of the person posting it. The tone of the content is almost exactly the same. “Oh no, now I can’t imagine someone famous is saying it and now it’s mean but not funny, waaaanh”
Real Dan, you and I have a lot in common, and as much as I admit this sounds a lot like my version of ranting to the world, this was an entirely opinionated story about something which no one has any real knowledge of besides the people inside Steve’s immediate inner circle. I like your writing, honestly, but to go from joking as the man you speak of in Fake Steve, to something like this, makes me want Fake Steve back. Much more real than the venting of Real Dan. Peace fellow blogger.
Note: Steve-bashing isn’t my cup of tea, and IKEANE is spot on. Anger comedy can be funny, IE Lewis Black, but this isn’t exactly my pleasurable read that FSJ was. This just makes you seem rude and obnoxious. A bit like myself.
I’m sorry you sank to epitomizing my blog, but hey, I would if I were me, which I am.
Tom, it’s not true that the only difference is the name of the person posting it. Another difference is that it’s not written “in character”.
I’ve often wondered about comedians that are always “in character”. Stephen Colbert is a great, recent example — you never see footage with him out of character. Doesn’t it make you wonder what he’s really like when the mask comes off?
And what, pray tell, if the real person underneath is not as compelling? What if, when they stop pretending to be some famous asshole, they turn out to be an asshole of an altogether different stripe: perhaps still insightful or interesting, but not someone you can laugh at?
Isn’t it possible that, for some people, the end-product becomes bitter and unpalatable without the humor to balance out the cruelty?
> Imagine Ballmer appeared in public having lost an incredible amount of weight,
> looking seventy years old and about one hundred and twenty pounds.
I imagine the stock would skyrocket on hopes that it’d meant that Ballmer would be out of the MSFT picture soon.
Apple can’t speak to Jobs’ health unless it’s material; otherwise, Jobs’ right to privacy rules the day.
Furthermore, if Apple or Jobs “goes on the record” that his health is fine, they’re opening themselves up to ridiculous amounts of liability in this day and age. If Jobs dies of a heart attack, a stroke, or an aneurysm shortly thereafter, can you imagine the class action lawsuits that will follow?
Finally, how often and in what detail do you want this information reported? The media (and alleged hedge fund rumor-mongers) don’t believe the current statements, so they’re obviously not going to buy a simple statement. Do we need blood and urine work-ups every day or just once a week? Colonoscopy video footage?
Can we force Mr. Jobs (and all future executives) to go to our own specialists so that we can get a second opinion? Since we’ve got his blood, we might as well test for genetic predispositions to future diseases as well, right? Do we get to approve diet and exercise regimes as well?
Apple, for its $1/year, gets a CEO. The CEO has a responsibility to do his job. If the CEO is no longer capable of doing that job, the Board has a responsibility to resolve that issue. Until such time as Mr. Jobs is not capable of performing at a required level, we’ve no rights beyond that.
Yeah, it’d be nice to know that everything is fine. But our thinking it would be nice doesn’t create an obligation for anyone else.
reinharden
PS: Now if we wanted to talk about obligations and ethics and such, I think we’d want to talk about the disclosure obligations of “journalists” who anonymously write blogs under assumed personas while covering the very companies and individuals about whom they’re allegedly writing unbiased pieces about in their day job. But obviously “the media”, whom Jobs described far more politely than they deserve, is above reproach.
Well, somebody got smacked down real good by reinharden.
No point in being coi (no, not coy, but conflict of interest coi).
Perhaps it’s time to resort to the freedom of the the press (freedom of speech?) rebuttal.
Real Dan:
You need to back off guy. If Steve really is as sick as he looks then I seriously doubt he’s concerned the trivialities of when is the exact moment necessary to inform his shareholders of his impending demise. Due to the reflexsive nature of stock market valuation one could argue that Jobs would be destroying shareholder value by unduly disclosing an illness before necessary, certainly it would put a halt to any major negotiations in which Apple is currently engaged.
Might I suggest you buy Aug 09 $180 calls and $140 puts to protect any stock position and quit your whining about steve’s personal life. If he’s not sick you’ll be rich, if he’s really sick, you’ll be rich too.
Welcome to the world of modern finance, we have tools to deal with uncertaintly.
Bokay? Namaste.
@Kurt:
Oh, snap!
well said
dd
FSJ was insigthful and hilarious. Real Dan looks like a journalistic entitlementard. Listen, if RSJ isn’t terminally sick, he doesn’t owe the public any explanation of his health status.
Just because some short-sellers want to make a quick buck and play the “OMG teh cancer! When’s he dying?” -game and find some immoral press hacks that support this rotten strategy, doesn’t mean it’s a matter of journalistic integrity.
And the beginning of the telephone conversation? Let’s just say if I had large parts of the press indisrcreetly speculating about my private issues, I wouldn’t stay so friendly.
Here’s the deal….
AAPL stock is flying pretty high these days. There is no good business reason for the stock to go down. But these scumbag short-selling hedge funds NEED to knock the price down, so they employ a bunch of liar analysts pushing out 100% pure BS to complicit “business journalists” like those at theStreet.com, Cramer, Nocera, etc. to manipulate down the stock price. That’s all this is about, every bit of it.
I expect this type of BS from Cramer and his constellation of business “journalist” sleaze balls that are beholden to illegal naked-shorting hedge funds, but now Dan Lyons?
Shame on you, RealDan.
Holy shit! YES! Keep it comin’.
Dear Real Dan,
I’m not a good writer like you so I hope you can overlook my simpleness and still see what I am trying to get at in this comment below.
I don’t really know you at all—we are not friends. What I know of you really comes down to what you are willing to share on your blog so I hope you don’t take what I wrote below as a commentary on your character as a whole. Yet, when I read things like what you have written here and on the past 3 or so posts on the matter of Steve Job’s health, it really makes me feel hopeless about humanity. Why are you so angry? Are you a bit fearful about your investment in Apple (I assume you own their stock)? I understand that people who have money tied up with Apple would like to feel all cozy knowing that their investment is in good hands but seriously, is our own financial gain so important that we are willing to reduce a man’s life to a mere product for which we need constant measurements to make sure all is well in our world? Since Steve is in the position he is in (as a CEO of a publicly traded company which nobody forced him into) I suppose he is obligated in part to disclose to the proper persons issues that would prevent him from being a good steward to the investors of his company. However, do you think it is too much to extend a bit of compassion and grace and allow him to be like one of us for a moment—a human being with feelings, emotions and problems? Or is your investment in Apple more important to you? Frankly, I think its kind of creepy that you keep writing about this thing. I think you are a pretty eloquent guy who is humorous and smart, but I wish you would show a bit more humanity now.
I think Dan’s reaction is completely understandable.
He bought the false stroy about Steve being terminally ill, and axed his very successful FSJ blog because of it. So the fact that it wasn’t true after all probably came as a big shock to him.
His reactions have sinced followed the first 3 stages of the 5 stages of grief:
1. Denial: “It’s not just a bug. So it has to be serious, so it is still true!”
2. Anger: “How dare Steve talk like that!”
3. Bargaining: “He said it off the record, so it could still be true that he’s terminally ill…”
I’m not really looking forward to stages 4 & 5 (depression and acceptance).
Oh and btw. Dan, while all of this is understandable, the really disgusting thing is that you defended the agenda of scumbags like Cramer, David Faber (who helped bring down Bear Stearns) and Nocera. They may call themselves fellow journalists but please, take a step back and look at these guys.
You’re better than this.
This is now entering into the realm of the absurd.
Firstly I think we have to question the attitudes of modern society when we seemingly accept the sight of overweight prime heart attack candidates (like the sweaty Mr Ballmer) running a company but anything less than morbidly obese is viewed upon with suspicion.
Secondly, surely Dan’s suspicions should be assuaged if we consider that Steve obviously some sort of non life threatening digestive tract issue and any normal human being may not be terribly keen on having a full press conference giving minute detail on his irritable bowel syndrome or chronic diarrhoea. That’s the sort of thing a man may just want to keep to himself and not part of some grand conspiracy. Or is good old fashioned modesty in this area a thing of the past?
First: Hey, you sound like you’d love to receive a call from El Jobso yourself!
Second: Welcome back, Real Dan!!
Third: Please, change your picture on the top bar, you look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame!!!
Yes, the health of CEOs of large public companies is a legitimate concern of stakeholders, especially given Jobs’ role at Apple, especially given the lack of a succession plan, especially given Jobs’ screwy handling of his initial diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. I sure hope he’s alright, but even if he is, this kind of thing can cause big trouble for a company, especially one as fragile as Apple.
The commentards who don’t understand this are exactly the sort who forgive Apple’s every fault (which is another thing that’s bad for a company in the long run).
As a stockholder, I’m perfectly happy and confident with the situation. I know how and when to sell short (that’s almost a sport with Google stock, lately). I’ve very rarely lost money on Apple shares.
OTOH, I’m glad I don’t even own one share of Yahoo! at the moment. In next thirty six months, I’m sure the company will start spinning off or selling off divisions before selling what’s left of itself at $8 a share to AT&T.
if you look back at history … i think there are many many moments where steve jobs gets away with something that no other human being on the planet could ever think of doing.
that’s just kinda how he rolls.
I’m surprised at how many commenters are taking umbrage at Real Dan’s criticisms of Real Steve. Just because Dan’s alter ego is FSJ doesn’t mean he worships Steve like the rest of the Apple faithful.
It would be similar if Colbert decided to stop the Colbert Report and start a new serious news program, then lambaste Bill O’Reilly, only to receive comments telling him to cool the O’Reilly bashing, the very thing his act is based upon.
In fact, Real Dan even said in an interview with Sarah Lacy, when talking about the inception of FSJ, that [paraphrasing here] he’s never met Steve Jobs and he’d never want to. I think most of the offended people here are responding to the fact that Dan is criticizing the voice that until recently, he had been amplifying with his parody.
The problem i have is that Steves health is his business, no matter what kind of guy he is, or if hes a superhero, those people hounding him should have a good look in the mirror. If you yap on about it affecting stock, remove it if ur unhappy. So many people are really sick!
I agree with most of what you say, except for the fact that Rupert Murdoch would totally pull this shit too.
Obviously it’s a little easier when you own the papers, but still.
@Two and Two: No, you’re wrong. I’m critcizing Dan because of exactly what I’ve written in my remarks. Nice try though. It’s the classic “I’m not gonna deal with your arguments, I’m just gonna insinuate you’re a knee-jerk Apple/Jobs worshipper” attack. As seen on troll-platforms like Digg every single day.
…aaand I’m gone again. Just like that.
You’ve just proved that you’re just another marketbending journo hack that had a “lottery moment” riding on the curtails of someone so much greater than you. You should be ashamed Dan. Shame on you. Hypocrite.
Wow, what a callous statement. Dan, I bought and I read your book, and enjoyed it — but that was back when I thought you had more class than this.
Wow; you were much cooler when you were pretending to be someone else. I just subscribed earlier today, and I have to say, I’m disappointed enough by this lame ass post to unsubscribe. Bye!
Dan,
Go back to being Fake Steve. Please. If you are trying to be funny, it’s not. If you’re trying to be serious, you don’t do serious very well.
A few months back, I read Daniel Eran Dilger’s thoughts about the motivation behind FSJ (http://www.roughlydrafted.com/2007/09/25/forbes-fake-steve-jobs-is-also-fake-on-apple/). I thought it was off the mark, but looking back on it now, it was dead on, and you only serve to reinforce his analysis with drivel like this. Do you really think that anyone cares that you think the way Steve Jobs handles his business is “bullshit?”
Jeez Dan, lighten up. Some of the comments went in for unnecessary insults and that is pathetic, but most people who criticised the original post did so in a spirit of appreciation of you, this blog, and its predecessor.
Some of just happened to think that in this particular case you have given too much emphasis to the question of what Jobs divulges to journos and how he handles them. Jobs is a hero of mine as a tech designer and entrepreneur, I don’t think he is a Man-God, I do trust him to only put out really great, really beautiful, and innovative products. I really like the impression he gives in interviews and presentations of a crazy passionate focused perfectionist obsessive. I notice over time he resorts less to attack and more to humour to express his angry critical side, maybe the right way to handle critics of your blog.
He’s certainly been great for Apple stock holders. Is he or Apple under a legal obligation to disclose information about his health and a succession plan? I don’t think so, since not even the most extreme Apple haters have said so. Is there any evidence that present actions are harming share holders? Please do share the relevant information with us, if that is the case. Exactly what would be the great benefit of having a succession plan for the hypothetical event of Jobs becoming incapacitated? The preferred candidate of the board could very easily change over time, would they have to issue a statement on the new plan every time it changed? Exactly how many public companies have a public order of succession for their CEO? We’re talking about enterprises here reacting to a changeable competing market place, not a royal family where there is a legally fixed order of succession.
Would any other CEO get away with this? Yes. The fact that Apple and Jobs have a lot of fans is irrelevant, there are just as many people dying to take Jobs and Apple down a peg or two. The only famous CEO who has bullied and manipulated journos? I don’t think so. I admire Jobs the public figure, I don’t know him personally and maybe I would hate him if knew him. There aren’t just a lot of fan worship of Jobs around, there is a lot of hatred and a lot of people circulating quite extreme negative stories about him. The most extreme ones, e.g. firing people in the elevator, on closer examination are urban legends based on Jobs’ tendency to lose his temper.
A lot of us really love and respect what you are doing and have done. Do you have to freak out because a lot us happen to think you didn’t get it entirely right in one post? Is there some deep irony here I’ve missed in which you mimic and parody Jobs’ bad tempered side?
I love what you’re doing, I hope better communication will be restored soon between you and those of us who post criticism in a positive spirit. Best wishes to you and for everything in your life.
Lyons,
WTF?
You’re simply ticked because he stuck it to one of your own, self centered, arrogant, pompous jackass with an inflated sense of importance.
The world needs more Steve Jobs and less dipshits who think they are journalists.
And so the truth comes out. So many of your followers loved nothing more than the Fake Steve persona. It wasn’t the insider knowledge or the truth-to-power style. It was the fact that they got a version of their man-god in blog form. Wake up folks: this is exactly the kind of stuff he wrote as Fake Steve, just in the third person. Instead of Fake Steve saying “Can you believe I’m getting away with this?” he says “Can you believe Steve’s getting away with this?”
Love your material, Dan.
@Vega: I actually wasn’t referring to you in my post about commenters being offended by RDL criticizing RSJ. I was referring to to posts by Cracker Kevin and others that were offended by *the very act* of Dan assaulting Steve (not by the hostility of the message) that suggested to me that a number of people assumed that the Dan was a Steve Jobs fan.
I think you misunderstood my main point. I was trying to provide evidence for Dan not being a Steve fan, in the hopes of making clear that a Steve-impersonator is not necessarily a Steve-lover, an impression I’ve gotten from reading the comments over the past couple of days. All in all, Jordan put it way better than I did: “this is exactly the kind of stuff he wrote as Fake Steve, just in the third person.”
@Jordan:
“It’s such a fine line between stupid, and clever.” — David St. Hubbins
“…just a little turnabout” — Nigel Tufnel
[*] http://youtube.com/watch?v=a8IrZ4sKLQw
Just offering appreciation for what you’re writing. I’m not sure what so many people here are trying to argue (“I’m going to tell you you’re a mean prick by being a mean prick”), because I see a guy telling it like it is. Maybe they just don’t like that they can no longer pretend you’re Steve. Anyway, keep doing what you’re doing.
I’m just gonna say this, and metaphorically shake me head:
Dan. What were you THINKING? No, I’m not mad at you. I’m just… DISAPPOINTED.
You are (significantly) better than this.
Dan,
could it be that Jobso is doing the non-answering thing just like he is doing the non-thinking thing? But then again, why is he doing the non-non-dialing thing? Shouldn’t non-dialing the number of that guy he called and non-sharing of any information be enough to not-complete the circle (which is more like a straight line at this point)? Or, as the trig teacher insisted, tangens of 90 degrees is ad infinitum?
And he is really pulling out all this stuff out of that calligraphy course he likes to talk about?
I see this as a threat to my BS detectors. I need to run OS X touch on them, not this Dot Niet stuff.
oops. Not RealDavesaster. RealDansaster. Got it, thanks. Glad we cleared that up. I really am.
I thought FSJ was pretty funny and often insightful, but if this is the real you, I’ll pass
Low class, even for you Dan.
Was that journalism? I feel dirty just commenting on this one. Gonna go take a shower.
“Imagine Ballmer appeared in public ….” nobody would care!!! Most probably the Microsoft shareholders would be happy to see the “Monkeyboy” go. He has been running the company into ground by not focusing on making Microsoft’s products trouble free. He has been focusing on building an empire rather than focusing on its customers.
Oh STFU Dan. Let’s get one thing straight. Your post above is the biggest steaming pile of BS I’ve seen today. Must you really resort to mac-bait?
Disappointed. Journalists too often inject themselves into the story – as shown both in Joe’s story and your unsavory one here. Perhaps you should consider TMZ or valleywag?
Hey, Dan, how dare you be a journalist!
Oh, wait, you ARE a journalist.
Never mind — good job, Dan!
Gamer/Hater Dan wrote:”I admire Apple. I love its products. But this is bullshit.”
Only in the mind of PC gamer/hater/egoists, and hater propagandists like you, Dan.
I don’t think anyone else gives a flying eff.
Watch these YouTube vids, Dan. The opening of the Montreal Apple Store. Do you think you and your A hole creeps at Microsoft can stop this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sk9GVFl5pls
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZ-xxm9poCs
——-end———–
well said. i have apple products (it always seems like one must make this statement as some kind of shield against the folks who bite their nipples when any “criticism” of apple is offered) and i agree with you. what’s the surprise that people would ask questions about his health given his history? if he is a valued, highly valued company asset, why wouldn’t people want to know how that asset is doing? i make no judgment about what he told his board of directors or whether he’s acting in apple’s best interest by being silent; i have no info to make those judgments. but mr. jobs et al shouldn’t act surprised and offended at the inquiries.
And Mac stock drops another 5 percent today. Pretty obvious that only Mactard fanboys are believing this bullshit that Apple and Jobs are shoveling about his health.
What’s the difference between the content when it is supposedly coming out of Jobs’ mouth than when it’s coming out of Dan’s? Did you assume that Dan was fabricating the entire tone, that he didn’t agree with any of it? Folks, that’s the heart of satire – you make a joke of something by amping it up to extreme levels, and by doing so make a point about it. Just because Dan’s removed the label of fake Steve doesn’t make his comments less interesting or valid. It may indeed mean it’s no longer satire, which is fine, but those of you attacking Dan (who is a friend of mine) should realize that he hasn’t changed the message at all. You’ve only just now become aware of the truth behind the jokes.
Real Dan, I read all the comments bashing you. I haven’t seen you bash Real Steve’s health problems; just how he’s handled it.
The bashers need to check out some war histories and see what typically happens to an army when a general goes down in battle. Honestly, if he were any other CEO (except Ballmer, perhaps) no one would give a crap. But he’s Steve Jobs, synonymous with Apple and its future. Life isn’t fair; he has a higher standard to maintain than others do if he wants things to continue to work.
Again, why the ambush? Why not have Katie Cotton do a press conference, release just enough details to gain him oodles of sympathy yet reassure everybody? It honestly wouldn’t be hard to spin it with some outrage at everybody prying into poor
Steve’s personal life, and he’d probably get left alone more than ever afterwards. It could, like some commenters have said, be a personality thing. But Jobs didn’t get where he’s gotten by doing the wrong thing at a crucial point in time, so I wonder. I suppose we’ll never really know why he did what he did, but it left me with more questions than answers, and obviously you as well.
That you are getting all this hate proves that Steve Jobs is an iconic figure, proves your point. I’m also laughing at all the people who assert it was okay for a fake person to be critical but not a real one. Gee, it’s okay or it’s not, and if it isn’t okay, why were you reading it in the first place?
Ballmer does look like shit. And I bet he smells like bacon.
Dan – love the new blog, FSJ had run its course.
Reading your current posts, knowing they are yours is much more discernible. With the last few weeks of FSJ, I was wondering if the post was your view, a Jobso satire, or a dryly subtle delivery of your opinion via a Jobso satire. You have great insights and it is interesting to hear direct from you.
To those who don’t like what they read here, “turn the dial”.