Hello, cruel world

So I wanted to get out and stay out. I really did. I wanted at least to have the summer off. But stuff keeps happening and I can’t resist. Jerry Yang and Carl Icahn and Steve Ballmer continue doing their frigtarded three-way monkey dance. It’s getting to be like one of those Ricky Gervais bits in the original Office (the funny one) where he lets the scene go on too long and it goes from being funny to being painful … and he still won’t stop. He makes you watch. It’s terrible but you can’t look away. And, if you’re me, you can’t help rushing to the computer to make fun of it. So thanks a lot, Ballmer-Icahn-Yang, for not letting me getting any rest. Just when I thought I was out, you pull me back in. Bastards!

Plus look at the ridiculous shit happening in the rest of the Valley. Sarah Lacy has hired a personal assistant. Sweet holy Jesus. What’s next? A personal chef? Anyway, I cannot imagine what kind of person would sign up to be Sarah Lacy’s Personal Assistant (SLPA). All I know is that, SLPA, whoever you are, you must start blogging. Now. For some reason I imagine SLPA is a woman — probably artsy, just out of Oberlin and moved to the Valley with a degree in creative writing and a bad dose of low self-esteem. SLPA, whoever you are, if you don’t want to keep a blog, then please get in touch with us and we’ll do it for you. Okay? I promise not to edit or embellish too much. Well, maybe a little. Also, Sarah Lacy, if you need a cabana boy, I’m available.

Meanwhile, for a glimpse into the future of Sarah Lacy’s life, see this:

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What else. Sheryl Sandberg has started thoroughly fucking things up at Facebook, cloning third-party programs and putting little guys out of business, thus poisoning the ecosystem. Sandberg’s bet must be that Facebook now has enough momentum and clout that it can afford to fuck its partners. How … Borgian. And how wrong-headed. The fact is, Facebook has nuked the fridge. They’ve jumped the shark. Good thing is this is happening just as all the big talent from Google has started flowing in thinking they’re going to get rich all over again. Better yet, the Google big brains are the ones destroying the meal ticket. See, the real truth is that none of these big brains at Google were ever really the brilliant strategists that everyone (including themselves) liked to think. Yes, Sheryl Sandberg is smart. Way smarter than I am, that’s for sure. But she and the others who got in early at Google were really more lucky than smart. The good news is that Facebook now affords these folks a chance to demonstrate this fact to the entire world. Delicious.

Oh, and Apple. MobileMe, aka “Exchange for the rest of us,” turns out to be exactly that — fucked up, not-working, slow, dismal. Yes, just like Exchange. Then they have to fall back and admit that it’s not really “push” and so, for that sin, they’re giving us all an extra month, at no cost! That plus the frigtarded 3G iPhone rollout made for some stuff that had me drooling to put on the fake mock turtleneck, fire up a bong and get writing. But I couldn’t. Ugh! Anyway, great work, Apple! Steve Jobs stops paying attention for a couple weeks and suddenly the whole place goes into the shitter. If you’ve ever wondered what Apple will be like after Steve leaves and they’ve got visionaries like Phil Schiller and Tim Cook running the place, well, now you’ve seen the trailer. The movie will be worse.