Hello, cruel world

So I wanted to get out and stay out. I really did. I wanted at least to have the summer off. But stuff keeps happening and I can’t resist. Jerry Yang and Carl Icahn and Steve Ballmer continue doing their frigtarded three-way monkey dance. It’s getting to be like one of those Ricky Gervais bits in the original Office (the funny one) where he lets the scene go on too long and it goes from being funny to being painful … and he still won’t stop. He makes you watch. It’s terrible but you can’t look away. And, if you’re me, you can’t help rushing to the computer to make fun of it. So thanks a lot, Ballmer-Icahn-Yang, for not letting me getting any rest. Just when I thought I was out, you pull me back in. Bastards!

Plus look at the ridiculous shit happening in the rest of the Valley. Sarah Lacy has hired a personal assistant. Sweet holy Jesus. What’s next? A personal chef? Anyway, I cannot imagine what kind of person would sign up to be Sarah Lacy’s Personal Assistant (SLPA). All I know is that, SLPA, whoever you are, you must start blogging. Now. For some reason I imagine SLPA is a woman — probably artsy, just out of Oberlin and moved to the Valley with a degree in creative writing and a bad dose of low self-esteem. SLPA, whoever you are, if you don’t want to keep a blog, then please get in touch with us and we’ll do it for you. Okay? I promise not to edit or embellish too much. Well, maybe a little. Also, Sarah Lacy, if you need a cabana boy, I’m available.

Meanwhile, for a glimpse into the future of Sarah Lacy’s life, see this:

ARVE Error: no video ID

What else. Sheryl Sandberg has started thoroughly fucking things up at Facebook, cloning third-party programs and putting little guys out of business, thus poisoning the ecosystem. Sandberg’s bet must be that Facebook now has enough momentum and clout that it can afford to fuck its partners. How … Borgian. And how wrong-headed. The fact is, Facebook has nuked the fridge. They’ve jumped the shark. Good thing is this is happening just as all the big talent from Google has started flowing in thinking they’re going to get rich all over again. Better yet, the Google big brains are the ones destroying the meal ticket. See, the real truth is that none of these big brains at Google were ever really the brilliant strategists that everyone (including themselves) liked to think. Yes, Sheryl Sandberg is smart. Way smarter than I am, that’s for sure. But she and the others who got in early at Google were really more lucky than smart. The good news is that Facebook now affords these folks a chance to demonstrate this fact to the entire world. Delicious.

Oh, and Apple. MobileMe, aka “Exchange for the rest of us,” turns out to be exactly that — fucked up, not-working, slow, dismal. Yes, just like Exchange. Then they have to fall back and admit that it’s not really “push” and so, for that sin, they’re giving us all an extra month, at no cost! That plus the frigtarded 3G iPhone rollout made for some stuff that had me drooling to put on the fake mock turtleneck, fire up a bong and get writing. But I couldn’t. Ugh! Anyway, great work, Apple! Steve Jobs stops paying attention for a couple weeks and suddenly the whole place goes into the shitter. If you’ve ever wondered what Apple will be like after Steve leaves and they’ve got visionaries like Phil Schiller and Tim Cook running the place, well, now you’ve seen the trailer. The movie will be worse.

40 Responses to “Hello, cruel world”

  1. BoR|S

    BTW, RSS feed link on FeedBurner shows the correct feed for these posts while when I subscribe to it using Google Reader, I get the default “Hello Wolrd” post by WordPress…

    Reply
  2. Mr. PoopyPants

    Dear Real Dan,

    Where on the web might I find Fake Dan? I want to find out what really happened between you and Forbes, and you’re not going to tell me. Fake Dan, on the other hand, won’t hold anything back.

    Sincerely,

    Mr. PoopyPants

    Reply
  3. Jeff Ventura

    For real, welcome back. It’s bad enough when hockey ends and I have to endure frigtarded baseball all summer, but when FSJ set sail, well, that was almost too much.

    Thanks for sparing Google one more “how to tie a noose” query.

    Reply
  4. john

    I think it’s funnier to have you say things in character than it is for you as “Dan Lyons.”

    I could just be weird but the same comments that I find very funny when said by fake “whoever” sounds mean when it is by real ‘Dan Lyons.’

    Anyway, just wanted to share. Hope this feedback helps.

    Reply
  5. David Orban

    Great to read you online in this new persona. I am really curious what voice will you use. Since the only one I’ve come to know is that of FSJ, first it is likely that you will sound faker than him to me. But I’m sure in a little while I’ll get to used to it…

    And yes, have someone fix that RSS feed for you.

    Good luck!

    David

    Reply
  6. mcloki

    Great to have you back. Good luck in your new blog. I’m sure it will be just as successful as the last one.

    Reply
  7. dennitzio

    I also wonder how Real Dan will handle meeting the people that he bashes at trade shows & conferences. Anonymous Fake Steve could get away with anything, but even Outed Fake Steve could use the “woah, just a satire, folks” defense. But there are plenty of good blogs out there who aren’t by fake people, so I’m going to assume RD will find his own voice – and it will probably be a leeeetle more politic.

    Reply
  8. Laurel

    So glad you’re back. Or here. Or whatever.

    As for this “you’re too mean” business, well, it’s what makes your writing so entertaining and oddly endearing. Everyone has a friend that they know is an asshole, but they love them anyway. You are that friend in the blogging world.

    Namaste, RDL.

    Reply
  9. Aleksi

    Great to have you back, Mr. Lyons.

    Misogynistic Finnish Linux coders welcome your return!

    Reply
  10. Toy Needle

    Sorry Dan, you’re trying too hard. I’ll check you out again in a month or so.

    Reply
  11. J

    Calling people dumb fucks in speeches is awesome. I like Mean Dan. I mean Real Dan.

    Reply
  12. Dan Lyons

    Just one comment: Real Dan is also a character. Okay? The truth is, in real life I’m nothing like Real Dan the blogger. I know that’s confusing. Sorry. Peace.

    Reply
  13. Archie Medes

    Great to have you back Dan.

    Is there a login feature to this blog? If I am missing it someone point me to the “write” place.

    Reply
  14. Dan Lyons

    Also: Just as with Fake Steve, a great deal of what I write here on this blog may not actually be true. Okay? Like, I’m going to make up a letter from Sarah Lacy’s Personal Assistant. Maybe a series of letters. Those letters will not be real. They will be fake. It will be fiction. The point will be to gently poke fun at Sarah Lacy, who is someone I actually like and admire.

    For those of you who don’t need this explained, I’m sorry. For those who do, consider this a blanket caveat for all future posts, so I won’t need to flag the ones that are made up as “not true” or something. Okay. Whew. Sorry. Now I must go. Iulia and Natasha are visiting for a couple weeks and I’m taking them out on the town tonight.

    Reply
  15. Pom

    Nevermind the confusion at the moment, although it might be a good idea to come up with some trick alter to avoid it.

    Well… hmm, not sure how you would do that though. I think the -real- picture accounts for a lot of the confusion. Your avatar would be better maybe ?

    Reply
  16. eqbal

    Dear Real D,
    Great to have you back in whatever persona. Seems like you might be vibrating between the fake and the real for a while. Could be difficult. Good luck.

    (Mebbe we should address “you” as ‘”Real”‘ Dan’. But the quotation marks could start piling up.)

    Reply
  17. Emily Posthumorous

    Geez people, lighten up. Glad you’re back RDL in whatever persona you choose put on for the day.

    Reply
  18. Tom

    Great to have you back writing. Real or fake, Dan Lyons or someone else, I enjoy your posts.

    And you’re back just in time to chronicle the idea, design, implementation, implosion, and failure of TechCrunch’s $200 web tablet.

    Reply
  19. Marcos EL MALO

    OK, I think I get it. “Real” is just a marketing keyword. You could just as easily called yourself “Organic Dan” or “Low Carbon Emissions Dan” or “New, Improved Dan with Extra Cleaning Power”.

    There’s only one thing I want from you, Dan, and that is that you ALWAYS tell the TRUTH, even when you are lying.

    Reply
  20. Ben

    It’s a little weird to have someone else speaking with FSJ’s voice, but I’ll try to get used to it :)

    Ben

    Reply
  21. Will The Real Lastangelman Please Stand Up?

    The internet here really really sucks. You have to fish the cable out of the ocean and tap into it like that episode of Gilligan’s Island. Left the damn satellite phone back with My Fair Lady in Saipan.

    Anyway it’s an interesting vacation, trying to trap feral cats, just as mean and ornery as any alley cat you could find. Some nature luvvers wanna’ re-introduce some native birds to the island, but you hafta’ lose the cats and the rats, first. I say let the cats and rats be, and perhaps they should introduce feral chickens. Tougher birds than these fancy feathered tweets they wanna’ implant, and if anyone gets shipwrecked here, they can live off the wild chickens instead of worrying about breaking the law eating endangered parakeets.
    You guessed it, lotta’ blank cold stares, but hey, there wasn’t any A.C. and I needed to cool off. I said I was joking and my fellow eco-warriors warily got back to business. I’m doing this for laughs but they’re dead serious. It’s amazing what useless trivial shit people will focus on, imagining it is The Big Picture, when they could be focusing this serious energy on making affordable solar panels or windmills or vehicles that will not wreck the environment or cause global warming, oh, wait, that’s already been invented, what’s it called, oh, yes, the rickshaw!

    Anyway we got dropped off at this godforsaken place. Lotsa’ coconuts, lotta’ fun using the machete … for five minutes. Then it’s just one chore followed by another. But this was my idea, so I’m soldiering on, grumbling, doing my part, listening to the weenies moan about the state of the world and pat themselves on the back, thinking they’re making a difference. We’re about 125 miles north of anything vaguely resembling civilization. But, hey, I’m losing weight. My Fair Lady begged off at last minute, and is staying in Saipan, nursing an alcohol deprived liver. We just heard about the plane crash in Guam. Tough break. Not that we have a beach here for anything to wash up onto, so no gruesome souvenirs (yet). Friggin’ steep cliffs. Same damn weather every day. No typhoons. No monsoons. The damn ocean and wind or breeze is freakin’ loud and repetitive. The cats we catch and cage up are pissed and mewling and hate us. I like to imagine one of them as “Taylor” and I’m “Doctor Zaius” from Planet Of The Apes. I argue, hey, why don’t we just fix the cats so they don’t re-populate the island. Then they die out. Then I bring up the problem of the rats and get shouted down as being a “negative nelly”. Whoa, nice comeback.

    I may steal the big-ass canoe, sextant and compass, and escape to another island away from these numbskulls. The skinny bald bearded guy in charge really is annoyed at me ‘cos I’ve bagged all the women on this expedition twice. What annoys him is that I didn’t bag him! Sorry to disappoint. He may act like he’s got a vagina, but I prefer the real thing.

    Anyway, welcome back,Dan, keep blogging, and BTW, WordPress sucks, too!

    Don’t forget, folks …Vote For Scoble!

    Reply
  22. john

    “Just one comment: Real Dan is also a character.”

    I intellectually understand this but at an emotional level it’s confusing. Let me state clearly: I am a huge fan of your so I really want to continue to read and enjoy writing.

    But “realDan” being fake “Dan Lyons” in reality is confusing at least to me. Especially, as another commenter noted, because you have your “real” picture on the header.

    I think many reasonable people will be confused and not realize this is a character. I think most of us agree that a big part of the humor comes from your use of characters. I am rooting for you and I hope this blog becomes as great as fsj.

    Reply
  23. Bassem B.

    I think people are getting confused because it’s called “REAL dan lyons”, so they think you’re really this mean.

    FSJ was funny because YOU are funny. i’m on board. rock on.

    Reply
  24. Bill

    Umm. Dude. You dont get it.

    We dont *like* real Dan, in all his linux/lotus hating, MS Asskissing ways. At least fake Steve was entertaining.

    –* Bill

    Reply
  25. comedycritic

    Dan,

    Sorry, this is just not doing it for me.

    It’s kind of like Dana Carvey “as” G.H.W. Bush on SNL vs. Dana Carvey dropping GHWB imitations into his nightclub standup routine.

    Fake Steve was brilliant, truly innovative and hilarious, a new form of literature for the Internet age. This isn’t.

    Reply
  26. Haro!

    Its great to see you blogging again Dan! Sadly I found out a day late and you have like 30 posts already. Just some things I’d like to comment on
    Sarah Lacy. Dude I totally admire her big round beautiful eyes. Its a shame that position was filled.
    On comedycritic’s comment about you not living up to the FSJ blog. Its completely seperate blog so, we shouldn’t expect the exact same thing. Plus I’m sure you will dazzle us with your wit and insight when necessary (okay I hope). All I’m saying is, don’t become Scoble on this blog and you’ll retain most of your fans.
    Namaste.

    Reply
  27. Russo

    Screw you Dan! I promised myself it would be a clean break…
    I PROMISED!

    And now, look at me. Here I am reading your nonsense “real but fake but actually really fake” Real Dan blog. damn.

    And the worst part… I like it.

    Reply
  28. FBO

    So Real Dan is fake too? So that it would be Fake Real Dan? So would it be FRD, or RD? I’m confused; it’s like an idiom. Michelle!!!!

    - Barry

    Reply
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