Fake Steve buys an iPhone, gets no respect

So I held off on the first iPhone and took loads of shit for it while I was doing Fake Steve. Example: I was giving a speech in LA and mentioned my BlackBerry, so during the Q&A some clever prick put up his hand and said, “I would like to know why is Steve Jobs using a BlackBerry and not an iPhone?” My response: “Because I got the BlackBerry from Forbes, for free, and I couldn’t see buying an iPhone and carrying both of them. And, um, in case you hadn’t noticed, I’m not actually Steve Jobs, you dumb fuck.”

Okay, not a smart thing to do when you’re giving a speech. But I’m still learning. One thing I learned from that experience is that if you call someone a dumb fuck, other people tend not to ask any questions. The Q&A part of that show was therefore mercifully short.

But I digress.

Anyway, the BlackBerry went back to Forbes, and I finally bought an iPhone. I got it this week, on Monday. A salestard named Garrett at the Burlington Mass. Apple store was very helpful but somehow managed to activate my account using the wrong email address — he left out the underscore. So some other poor bastard named Dan Lyons started getting all my mail from AT&T. (Thank you, wrong Dan Lyons, for alerting me.) Anyway, I went online, created an account at AT&T wireless, and changed the email address on the account to the correct one. Still, the Wrong Dan Lyons kept getting mail for me from AT&T. I tried getting through to AT&T phone support but was warned about “extended wait times” and they weren’t kidding. Three different times I walked around holding the phone and listening to the hold music until I couldn’t take it anymore and just gave up. Meanwhile, ever more annoyed missives from Wrong Dan Lyons kept arriving in my inbox. Thanks, fucker.

Finally I traveled out to the horrible Burlington mall where I bought the iPhone and was stopped at the door of the Apple store by an incredibly prickish Apple “concierge” (that’s Spanish for “smug useless dickhead”) who heard me out and then told me, politely, to go fuck myself because Apple couldn’t fix the email address on my account. I was like, Dude you’re the retards who typed it in wrong. Shouldn’t you fix it? He told me, again, very politely, to go fuck myself. I was like, Dude do you know who I am? I invented Fake Steve. Have you heard of him? He was like, Fake who? What? Huh? He then suggested I go bother the morons at the AT&T store in the same mall. I did, and there I was met by an even more developmentally disabled cretin who said AT&T couldn’t help me either. I said if Apple can’t help me and AT&T can’t help me, what am I supposed to do? He shrugged. I mentioned Kafka. He said, Huh? Meanwhile my three-year-old son had spotted the Rainforest Cafe next door and decided this would be a great time to throw a fit about wanting to go to the “jungle.” I caved, as I usually do, and left the AT&T store and tried to get a table at Rainforest, only to be informed by the girl at the hostess desk (nattily attired in a forest ranger outfit) that there would be a forty minute wait for the shitty overpriced food.

Try explaining that to a three-year-old and his twin sister. Oh joy.

Next day I called AT&T phone support and finally got through. Woman assures me the email has been fixed. We’ll see.

Meanwhile, dear Apple and AT&T: You suck.

And by the way, to Garrett the salestard at the Burlington Mall Apple store and to the concierge douchebag — I’m coming back with my iPhone and I’m going to take your photos and put them on my blog, assholes. I might even do some nasty things to them with Photoshop. I’m sorry, but you brought this upon yourselves.

Peace out.

48 Responses to “Fake Steve buys an iPhone, gets no respect”

  1. Taterman

    Great to have your great acerbic voice back. Now, please don’t mention your kids again. There’s little more annoying than people blogging about their kids. Mothers are especially insufferable and narcissistic about this.

  2. Jeff Ventura

    So Apple and ATT assholery aside, how’s the switch to the iPhone treating you? I have a white iPhone 3G on order and I’m switching from Verizon (using a BB Pearl 8130). Is the BB hard to give up?

    Love the new blog, BTW. Subscribed. Peace.

  3. cinemec

    Shit Dan, could you maybe get a bigger masthead on this new blog of yours? Thank christ for RSS! Glad to see that the same sense of humour remains despite the change of persona.
    Welcome back.

  4. rob sama

    try going to the Cambridgeside. The people at the Burlington Mall are notorious idiots. Cambridgeside Apple people are the real geeks. And they’re polite too.

  5. bowerbird

    you were a lot funnier as fake steve…
    please put “the mask” back on. thanks.

    otherwise, i’ll have to ask you if you
    want to buy your book _back_ from me…


  6. Richard Neal

    Woah, Real Dan, I didn’t know you were around Burlington. You should hold a meet-up of readers!

  7. Pom

    Glad to see read you again.

    But I agree with Cinemec, why is your blogtard picture so big on the banner ?

  8. Dan Lyons

    We’ll work on the huge photo. Bowerbird, I’m not buying the book back, so give it to charity or something. Rob S., I’d go to Cambridgeside but I’m afraid of getting shot. Seriously, that mall scares me. But my limited experience is that you’re correct about the Appletards there being better than Burlington. The Burlington store is hopeless.

  9. topazz

    Even at your height of famousness (last February) the employees at my local Apple never heard of you. I was appalled.

  10. Jackson Miller

    Being a pompous ass worked as Fake Steve. As Real Dan it just comes off like you are a pompous ass. The “Namesté” kind of seals the deal.


  11. Fake Sam Elliot

    I like yer style, Dan…but do you have to use so many cuss words???

  12. Commentard

    Umm, Real Dan? Just cause they don’t make as much $$$ or are as funny as you (sometimes) are, doesn’t give you the right to berate them. Can you imagine all the crap they have to put up with? Besides, I’m pretty sure you were asked at least once to validate that the info they were entering was correct, yet you somehow missed the “_” too, so don’t get so high and mighty. For fuck’s sake, have a toke and chill bitch.

    Others are correct, so far, you’re funnier as El Jobso.

  13. Jim

    Dan – lots of fucks and shits in here… is this what we’re going to get, without the fake personification device? Just wanted to check before I updated my RSS feed. I can watch the Sopranos on VOD any time I want.

  14. Nathan Myers

    The correct response to being told you couldn’t change the e-mail address was to return it for a refund and close the account, and then (maybe) buy another one, being more careful about details the second time.

  15. dontwantabuse

    You know Dan, mentioning the names of people just trying to help you and doing their jobs is trashy, unfunny, and classless. I guess I am going to unsubscribe.

    And if you can’t be funny without splattering your posts with constant f bombing, you ain’t funny. Maybe in 10th grade. Do you want your kids to talk like. Great role model there Dan. Not.

  16. Marcos El Malo

    I’ve had to seal with some huge morons at the Apple Store, but most of them are decent. The worst was when I had to deal with a guy training to be the manager for a soon-to-open store who thought he was something. I had to explain to him that he wasn’t Steve Jobs, and that despite the fact that his employer was Apple, he was still working in retail.

  17. cb

    ahh, like a breath of fresh, rancorous air. god bless you, real dan.

    i fell into a deep, deep depression when i found out that fake steve was retiring. i tried to sue fake steve for emotional distress upping and leaving me like that but my lawyer told me i was an idiot and besides, we couldn’t figure out where to serve him.

  18. cb

    p.s. re: the huge photo (which is cute, but yes, big). is that a sharpie between your hands? i don’t get it.

  19. Screamin' Eddie

    Glad you’re back. Don’t let the commentards get you down. William Shatner had the same problem. Diehard Kirk fans took _forever_ to accept T.J. Hooker. Heather Locklear had to carry the show for a while. It’s all good.

  20. Leigh McMullen


    It’s awesome having you back, mate. I think you’ll do even better as Dan Lyons than you did as FSJ, without the artificial constrain of willful suspension of disbelief.



  21. George the bear

    I’m sure there is a blog somewhere from an Apple store geek telling us about this pompous customer who thinks he’s the son of God.

    Rainforest Cafe rules if you’ve got kids. Plan ahead – maybe use your iPhone to schedule a booking next time.

  22. Happy Reader

    Ignore the moaning commentards above. This is funny shit, and very glad to have you back to my daily blog reading list!

  23. Nih

    It is SO good to see you’re going to be even more wickedly vicious on this blog. Keep it up.

  24. JB

    RealDan, I don’t know what’s worse: the fact that nobody has pointed out that “concierge” is “French” for smug useless dickhead, or you typing it.


  25. nuvs

    Real Dan: Nice to have you back!

    I, too, got my white iPhone 3G from the Burlington mall, only I went to the AT&T store on the second floor, near the food court. I haven’t gone to the one by the Rainforest cafe…perhaps next time you should visit the upstairs one!

    A question about your banner photo: do you wear your wedding ring on your right hand, or is the photo simply flipped vertically?

  26. Kris

    Real Dan Lyons – I honor the place where your writing and my eyes become one. Namaste.

  27. at&tcustomertard

    Well, it’s not just iPhones that put you in hell when you want to change (or fix) your email address. I had the same problem on my blackberry with AT&T. Selfservice was a mess and it took 2 days to finally get through the wait-queue-from-hell. It turned out that editing your account is known to be broken – you have to delete your old account and create a new one. Like they couldn’t just tell me that on the web page??? Idiots.

  28. slb

    Man, there’s not quite anything as sad as a middle-aged guy spewing expletives to be cool with the kiddies…
    I know you THINK you’re being hip, Dan, but please, you sound like an assPod.

  29. David S.

    If only you’d thought to reply to the clever prick with something like “Fake Steve uses a fake iPhone, you gotta problem with that?” I’m sure it would have gone down better with the audience. Still, like any stand-up performer you’ll get better over time, hopefully…

  30. Istanbul iTard

    I still miss Fake Steve, I’m going through the FSJ archives, but it looks like the essential humour is back, and I’m happy to see it unfolding. Namaste.

  31. Haro!

    RDL, you should have gone to any of the ones in NYC. They treat people well, as far as my experiences go anyways.
    And really isn’t it a shame that an employee of the Apple store is unaware of one of the biggest phenomenons in Apple culture?

  32. mhmmm

    sooo fake steve…i would like to inform you that you are in no way in an position to talk trash about someone who actually WORKS for Apple, and not your stinky breathe self who has money to whipe his ass with and just goes to apple to blow his wad of cash on products just to bash them. i encourage you to come take my photograph,, as i am a professional photographer and i know my rights while i am on private property, or anywhere in the likeness.

    “peace out”

    you’re like an immature 6th grader.

  33. bambi

    well well well!!!! Fernando.. If you LOVE Dan,,, YOU need help….. To Rob Sama,,, I do not think you know what an idiot is….Go look in the mirror…… Jackson Miller and Commentard…. You two have it STRAIGHT!!!!! This DAN is the ASS and has NO clue evidently what it is like to be 19 again ….. To use peoples names is not right and BY the way,,,DAN,,,I know Garrett…… He graduated HIGH HONORS for 4 yrs as well as being the FIRST place winner in the New York State photography contest,.From there he went to the NATIONALS,, which he placed 4th for the NATION…. SO DAN,, LEAVE YOUR CAMERA AT HOME!!!! GARRETT IS THE PROFESSIONAL…HE already has his own business… (maybe you are jealous)… The rest of you??? If you want to read DANS CRAP,,,then you are pathetic…. I would think you would have something better to do but, hey! thats your pathetic lives…. PS…I’M HIS MOM!!! A PROUD ONE..(as far as lawsuits for slander,,,this would be a good one!!!!)

  34. mmmmmmonkeyyyyyyyyy

    everybody makes mistakes even ur dumbass Garrett’s a good kid and hes a hard worker just get over it leave it at that unless thats all you do is bitch and just blog about stupid shit

  35. omg its ian man

    This is the people i hate.
    people who write stupid shit about how there feelings got hurt that there ipod didnt get fixed and then they make some stupid ass blog. you know what fake steve…your fucking pathetic man garrett is one of the coolest people you will ever meet in your whole life plus him and his family is my neigbors haha but serriously get a life and quit your bitchin

  36. Eddie Bax

    Dan, nice to have you back, though your kids do sound like brats.

    My enthusiasm for the first iPhone cooled when I heard that Snigular/ATT would be their sole partner. I find that I’m able to complete and carry on as many calls with my niece’s iTouch as I have with any phone I had with Snigular, and without the headaches of dealing with their un-helpful employees.

    You’ve got some seriously stupid people posting here, though. Any possibility of weeding the posts?

  37. moshe


    Moshe here.

    I’m glad to hear that you *finally* got an iPhone. So drop me a line….me and the team miss you already.

    Don’t worry about Garrett and the sales droids at AT&T. They’re under our careful watch and we’ll be taking care of them real soon now. No one messes with The Real Dan. Let us know if you want the “usual” or something special.

    Namaste. I don’t honor the place where capitalism and customer disservice become one.

    Moshe out.

  38. System7

    Wow, not funny as Fake Steve, pathetic as Real Dan.

    I know whenever I register an email account, I take a second or two to double-check and ensure it was typed in correctly. If it is wrong, it is my fault; not the fault of the guy behind the desk, working 16 hours days, trying to register 100′s of these things a day for real Apple fans, never mind the wannabe-geeks trying to throw around their money to be someone they are not.

    Dan, wake up. You are a middle-aged man with whiny twin kids that seem to walk all over you. You are a broken man. Don’t take it out on the folks at the Apple store who actually work to earn their money. Show some respect and maybe you will get some back.



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